Hey, Mom, I'm Gay

She was a bubbly, blue-eyed little thing. As a toddler, she slept with me often, always waking me up by tracing the features of my face with her little finger. I would slowly open my eyes, to see hers, looking into mine, with a smile that lit up my soul. My Bella.

I think I have known since she was a pre-teen. I mean...I knew. As a teenager, when most girls were boy-crazy, she was just into her "girl" friendships, and she seemed to have no interest in the opposite sex.
She was very affectionate towards some of her friends. I thought, too much so, but I was told "all girls these days are this affectionate with their friends. But I still just knew, whether this same sex affection was normal
 for most "straight" girls, or not.

I asked her several times over her teen years. Always saying "Just curious, you know I have no problem with anyone's sexual preference". But she always told me, "No mom". I tried over the course of about three years, to lovingly get her to open up to me about it, but yet trying not to be pushy. I thought she, also knew, that she was gay, and just did not trust me enough to tell me. I found out later, that she really just did not know.

I remember her "coming out". She did not come out to me, she came out, in the form of the "relationship status" on facebook while she was in the Army. One day I saw her new status in my news feed, it said "In relationship with "_____", a female name.

 Part of me was overjoyed that she had finally come out. Part of me was sad, that she felt she could never tell me. Part of me was just a tad worried that she was in the military, and posting this in a public manner.

Regardless, I did not make a big deal about it, I simply asked about the girl, how they met, what she was like. I did not want to make her feel uncomfortable. But I was very happy for her.

Within just days, of her coming out, the girl broke her heart. She caught her new and first "girlfriend", making out with a man. My heart broke for her. I mean, how courageous and hard it must have been to first off , tell the world you are in a relationship with  a girl, coming out for the first time ever, knowing that your army buddies would surely see your status, knowing your friends and family would now know. She was even going to bring this girl home for the holidays for us to meet. Then have all that new found freedom of rejoicing in who you are, and who you love ripped from you just days later? I literally felt physical pain in my chest for her.

But she got over her heartbreak, as we all do. She is in her second same-sex relationship currently, and this momma is so relieved, that she is happy, and chose a wonderful girl to date. Bella's girlfriend recently moved in with her, and I am so excited to meet her.

Adri, and my Bella

Just a few months ago, I asked her, "Bella, I have been asking you for years, if you thought you were gay, and you always said no, why did you not trust me enough to tell me?". Bella shrugged her shoulders and said "I just didn't know". To me, that was a weight lifted off my shoulders. To think that my child did not trust me enough to say "Mom I am gay", had been troubling me for years.

Here's the thing, and pertaining to the title of this post...to say you have to "deal" with having a gay child, is in my opinion, horrid, and very narrow-minded. It is not only humiliating for your child....but you also, should feel humiliated and embarrassed to even mutter those words. I knew my child was gay, long before she herself knew. Never once did I think, "How am I going to deal with this?". After all, what is there, exactly, to deal with? Nothing. In fact, the thought that kept crossing my mind throughout the years was "How can I help her know its okay to tell me, that I will not be ashamed of her, that I will not look down upon her, that I will not judge her, that she is perfect to me, whether gay or straight, or bi or whatever!!". Never once, did I think, "Oh man, my Bella is not going to have a traditional marriage, or maybe not even have children". Because..................IT'S NOT A THING!!!

A "thing" is when your child gets addicted to drugs, or gets pregnant at age 14. Your child is gay.....SO THE HELL WHAT? Are people really so "entitled" to think they have the right to set the standards on what is right and what is wrong? To me, it's the parents and people who scoff at others for their sexual orientation, that need the most help. These are the people who are abnormal. When I see my daughter, I see light, and love, creativity, and kindness. I don't see, gay, I don't see straight...I just see Bella.

If you are a parent with a child, grown, or not, who is LGBT, REJOICE in it. Your child is still your child. Everything you loved about that kiddo is still there, everything you adored about your child, is still in them. And please know, that YOUR child, is brave beyond words, to stand up to a world who sees them as "abnormal", and say "THIS IS WHO I AM". And you, as their parent, should be standing right there with them, REJOICING your beautiful child, not for who you want them to be, but, FOR WHO THEY ARE.

(Yes, I did get my daughter's permission, to write this and place it in my blog, hehe!)

Ain't Nobody Ever Got An Award for Making the Bed

Can someone please explain to me whoever came up with the idea that your bed had to always be made, nice and pretty, neat and clean? I mean honestly you're going to take off all those pretty, useless, decorative pillows, rip the covers off, and if you're a turbulent sleeper like me you'll probably rip off the fitted sheet in the middle of the night and wake up drooling on the bare mattress. Then you'll wake up, make everything all pretty again wasting a whole 5 to 10 minutes of your life ...just so you can mess it all up again in the PM for fucks sake.

The above scenario to me, is not functional. My bed is functional. I never have to turn down the covers they're already at the foot of the bed when I'm ready to go to sleep for the night. I don't bother readjusting the fitted sheet before I go to bed because it's just going to get ripped down again as I toss and turn. The dirty socks laying on the bed from last night do not bother me even in the slightest. On any given night you'll find a Walgreens bag on my bed, probably from a 3am shopping trip two nights prior. This bag may contain bottled water, Little Debbies, hard candies in case my mouth gets dry at night, and discarded trash from any of the above items. 

Often times you can find several bottles of nail polish under my covers from those nights when I couldn't sleep and decided to do my nails at 2 AM. If I roll over on them I just toss them onto the floor. 

Everything I need is in my bed. It may not be pretty, it may not be right, but it's very functional ...for me. Damn the man who said beds have to be made!!

 

Does Your "______" Hang Low.. (You Fill In the Blank)

Some things on your body you should not EVER take a photo of, (or check out in the mirror) even out of curiosity, in mid-life:

A. Boobs

Well I guess it depends on the size, the position you are in, and whether you have had boobage surgery by Dr. fix it. Me personally, NEVER laying down on the bed, because they just flop over to the sides like two eyeballs looking in opposite directions, pancake style. NEVER bending over, because that is cow udder horror, and NEVER EVER EVER while in motion...could give myself a black eye, and most likely any motion captured would have one boob up in my face and the other down at my navel. If you want to get a good nakedy pic of your boobage, hug yourself, just below the boobs and kind of "support" them, gives the illusion of perkies.

B. FACE

This refers to only the manner in which you take the photo, or look in the mirror. Ever wonder what your face looks like, um...during sex, if you are ON TOP, laying over your partner? I beg of you, do not take a curiosity photo of you looking straight down into the camera. Fine example, Blanch from Golden Girls. Learn from this!!
Lastly and most importantly....

C. VAGINA

I did this, recently, yup I took a photo , me bending over, cell phone camera behind bum, to see what "it" would look like from behind in that position. I am still dealing with the emotional trauma of that image in my head and may be seeking counseling soon, so that's all I have to say about that. LOL.

On a positive note..............saggage is a normal part of life. We may be horrified , we may be bitter at the aging process. But let us count our blessings, or...lets just blame our sagging va-jay-jay's on our children. 

Warm Fuzzies

I don't care if your dog shit on the floor, if you're facing a serious medical condition, if your asshole husband left you or you are depressed because you just ate a whole box of Oreo cookies. Nothing, absolutely nothing soothes the soul like a pair of warm fuzzie socks. I literally just went to Walgreens and bought two pair because they were two for five dollars. They are warm, they are fuzzy, and they are happy colors!
 

Are you F'n Kidding Me????? Coffee Maker Madness

Every coffee addict, I would guess, has faced at one time or another, the horrors of the dying coffee maker. But when it happens first thing in the morning, so early that you don't even know who you are yet, it is a one hundred percent complete horror. I tried everything from running vinegar through it, to cleaning out the needle. Finally after one hour of excruciatingly slow "drip......drip....drip" I had a quarter cup of coffee. Who wants to run out to Walmart at 8am and buy a new coffee maker?

WTF Day Two with Dr. Laura

Soooooooo, things are not getting better with the "roid" even after the horror in the doctor's office. Went back in to see Dr. Laura today. She took one look and said...."You have clotted up again, let me go get the needle to numb you up".

WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF?

"No no no no no!" I yelled.

"I'm sorry baby, sometimes we have to have open windows for this " (by open windows she meant open wound, let bleed, open wound again, let bleed).

"I CAN NOT DO THIS DR. LAURA".

Dr. Laura put her hand on her hip , looked at me in a frustrated way and let out a long sigh.

"Kelly I am going to let you go home, but you'll need to come see me tomorrow to do this".

"Is there a chance it will be better by tomorrow?" I asked.

"Small chance". She said.

When I was leaving, I stopped at her desk...

"Dr. Laura, I felt it, It really seems impossible that all this carnage is going to shrink back up and be sucked back in to where it belongs. I read that large roids can stretch out the skin and leave "flaps" down there. Am I ever going to look the same down there?"

"Kelly...." she said as she looked at me , like a momma looking at her child in a stern yet loving way..."I can not promise that".

I immediately had visions of me, floating in the air, totally naked, arm flab and new "ass roid flab" waving in the wind in unison.

"Well, I said to her, looking down at the ground , feeling quite hopeless, "two vaginas..you know? I mean, surely there is a market for that out there, some niche in the sexual fetish world, maybe I can make some money off this baby".

Dr. Laura laughed and said  "Any guy would love two clits".

WTF????????????? Did my doctor seriously just use that word? HAHAHHAHA.  To be continued.

Dr. Laura and the Hemorrhoid, and WTF? Day One

She's really not a doctor, but as close as one can be. She is a PA. And I love to love her and hate her. She is blunt and brash and one of those loud mouthed "say what she wants" southern women, with a raspy, low-toned accent to match.

THE STORY:

It isn't enough that in the last year I have had back surgery that failed, ovarian tumors that upon removal, sent me plummeting into surgical menopause (causing me to gain back all 30 pounds I had lost prior), SEVERAL colonoscopies, and an endoscopy. Hell i've been poked and prodded so much and in so many places I did not know existed in the last year.

To add to that, a hemorrhoid the size of Texas that appeared suddenly and without warning as I drove the hour long trek home from a shoot last week. WTF????  I left that morning, very "analy" correct. So I am not sure what happened. But after a full weekend of creams and ice, it just got bigger and more painful and started to bleed (reader warning: if you have a weak stomach and have no interest in alien life forms that appear out of someones ass, read no further).

There is a certain reluctance to calling the doctor about these things. Images flash through your head of laying on a table, legs spread wide open with someone studying your shitter, and what that shitter has "birthed", but I swallowed my fear, and pride, and called Dr. Laura.

 Medicine....that's what PA's and doctors do in this situation. A tube of flesh shrinking, stinky, slimy cream with an RX label on it, was all that I was looking for.

The nurse takes my blood pressure and pulse and tells me, "Get undressed from the waist down, Dr. Laura might have to lance it".

"OMG? Will that hurt?"

"Honey you won't feel a thing" she said as she exited the room. Thank God.

Before I could get fully undressed AND analyze exactly how it was possible that I would not feel a thing, enter Dr. Laura.

"Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. What have you done now?", she said as she looked at her clipboard.

"Well Dr. Laura, you told me you were leaving the practice soon and moving out of town. Just thought you should see my ass first before you depart".

"I live for that" she said as I lay on the table, with thin paper blanket over me.

"Feet in  stirrups darlin, and scoot that ass down".

Try scooting "that ass" down the table while feet are in stirrups with a damaged spine....

THE HORROR:

"OH MY JESUS", Dr. Laura said as she gazed in utter disbelief at my anal situation. The nurse, wide eyed, put her hands over her mouth, and gasped "OH MY".

"It's big huh?" I asked.

"Big? That's an understatement. Girl what did you do? I have never seen a roid this large in all my life".

"Nothing, it just appeared when I left a shoot".

"Lovey, I do believe you have grown a second vagina", she said as she poked around on some VERY painful areas.

I was wriggling in pain as she explored and said "Second Vagina?".

"Yup, looks exactly like you have grown a second vagina, right below the first."

WTF? are you kidding me? I am a pretty creative thinker, but I COULD NOT grasp what a second vagina formed via hemorrhoid would even look like. I'm in my own head trying to analyze what she just said when i heard......"READY?".

"For wha..OOOOOO..WTFFFFFFFFFF WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OMG OMG OMG STOP STOP STOP!!!! " . I'm screaming, SCREAMING. CRYING. SOBBING.

"I have to numb you baby, the worst is over".

She started squeezing the anal alien ass baby almost immediately after the shot. "WTF!! I CAN FEEL THAT PLEASE STOP!!", I am screaming and crying again.

"The shot takes the edge off Kelly, we have to get the clots out".

The room started to spin, i felt like I was going to throw up, everything got dim as I heard Dr. Laura say, "Stay with me, here comes the first baby".

Baby?

"Oh wow, oh wow look at that!" I heard the nurse say as the first "clot" (aka, baby) was squeezed out. I yelled out "DONE? DONE? ARE WE DONE?".

"No baby, there are more".

"NO NO NO, CAN WE BE DONE!!?" I cried, as Dr. Laura kept squeezing the raw flesh.

And then it happened, head spinning, room getting darker and darker, I threw up, barely able to turn my head just in time as to NOT get any puke on my person, but sending it cascading onto the floor.

"I'm sorry, i'm sorry" I cried .

Dr. Laura stopped what she was doing, walked over and hugged me. I just sobbed and sobbed onto her shoulder. I lifted my head just once to see that my mascara had smudged all over her white doctor's jacket...I did not care. She whispered, "It's okay darlin, it's okay". I felt at that moment, she was my "mommy", there for my release of the "thank God it's over". She whispered again "Now shuga, we aren't done yet, we have a few more".

WTF?????????????????????????????? Yes, I screamed this, not the acronym, the full three word phrase as the needle punctured me again, in yet another, raw skin alien baby area. And once again, the squeezing commenced.

When it was all over, I was uncontrollably shaking, tremors. I could not talk and I think I was hyperventilating. She kept telling me to breathe, breathe, breathe. She and the nurse helped me sit up. Every part of my body complied except for my head which just would not raise vertically with the rest of my body. "Lay her down, lay her down", Dr. Laura said. At that, everything just went black.

Dr. Laura just rubbed my calf as I lay there, still having "trauma tremors". They sat me up again. She began to tell me what medicines I needed to get and "get a sitz bath", etc etc etc, but her voice faded in the distance to the voice in my head that was screaming, "WHAT IN THE FLYING FUCK JUST HAPPENED?".

"Five babies we removed Kelly, I know it was painful, but after today it's all going to get better."

"Well", I whispered, still shaking, "I was kind of looking forward to having two vaginas". (well that's just me, keep up the humor even when i've just been to hell and back with pain, puke and humiliation).

I stood up to get dressed, and the second my feet hit the floor...SPLAT! Blood, everywhere.

WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!! Are you kidding me? My uterus was taken out YEARS ago, and the joy and freedom of NEVER EVER EVER having gushes of blood come from the "private" areas, was just TAKEN from me!

"You are going to bleed, use that sitz bath religiously Kelly", Dr. Laura said as she handed me a maxi pad.

"Um...did you get me a referral to a neuro-surgeon for my back yet?" I whispered.

"Well damn girl, ya want this ya want that, what else do you want from me?" This is just Dr. Laura, took me a while to not feel "insulted" by some of her behavior via words, haha.

"Well yes, I do want something else from you, I could really use a hug".

She smiled and hugged me tight, rocked me back and forth as she patted my back.

I was barely able to walk out of that office. The drive home was pain and tears, yeah trying "sitting" on open wounds and a maxi pad. But through the tears and the pain I am still thinking creatively, because that's how I roll, and I thought ....."Kelly....The All Humiliation Network", great idea for a reality show. Had to chuckle through the tears a bit.

Beautiful Cluster-Fuk, Why?

I share a lot of personal things on Facebook. Some very humiliating and embarrassing stuff. Stuff I probably should not. A lot of times, I end up horrified the next day and say to myself "why the hell did I post that?", and immediately delete the post.

Here, on this blog, I don't give a shit.

What is a "Beautiful Cluster-Fuk?" . It's life. It's the 75 percent nasty, and 25 percent beautiful, then 75 percent beautiful, and 25 percent nasty...all creating cluster-fuk. Even that percentage that is "nasty", has it's own beauty, its own art, its own story.

No holds barred in this blog. So if I offend thee......flee.

Blogging about the good and the bad and the ugly, brings about a literary "aha!" for me. This bad stuff, IT'S FUNNY SHIT!! and the good stuff, it's AWESOME. But you can't have the beautiful without the ugly. Thus the Beautiful Cluster-Fuk.