Dr. Laura and the Hemorrhoid, and WTF? Day One

She's really not a doctor, but as close as one can be. She is a PA. And I love to love her and hate her. She is blunt and brash and one of those loud mouthed "say what she wants" southern women, with a raspy, low-toned accent to match.

THE STORY:

It isn't enough that in the last year I have had back surgery that failed, ovarian tumors that upon removal, sent me plummeting into surgical menopause (causing me to gain back all 30 pounds I had lost prior), SEVERAL colonoscopies, and an endoscopy. Hell i've been poked and prodded so much and in so many places I did not know existed in the last year.

To add to that, a hemorrhoid the size of Texas that appeared suddenly and without warning as I drove the hour long trek home from a shoot last week. WTF????  I left that morning, very "analy" correct. So I am not sure what happened. But after a full weekend of creams and ice, it just got bigger and more painful and started to bleed (reader warning: if you have a weak stomach and have no interest in alien life forms that appear out of someones ass, read no further).

There is a certain reluctance to calling the doctor about these things. Images flash through your head of laying on a table, legs spread wide open with someone studying your shitter, and what that shitter has "birthed", but I swallowed my fear, and pride, and called Dr. Laura.

 Medicine....that's what PA's and doctors do in this situation. A tube of flesh shrinking, stinky, slimy cream with an RX label on it, was all that I was looking for.

The nurse takes my blood pressure and pulse and tells me, "Get undressed from the waist down, Dr. Laura might have to lance it".

"OMG? Will that hurt?"

"Honey you won't feel a thing" she said as she exited the room. Thank God.

Before I could get fully undressed AND analyze exactly how it was possible that I would not feel a thing, enter Dr. Laura.

"Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. What have you done now?", she said as she looked at her clipboard.

"Well Dr. Laura, you told me you were leaving the practice soon and moving out of town. Just thought you should see my ass first before you depart".

"I live for that" she said as I lay on the table, with thin paper blanket over me.

"Feet in  stirrups darlin, and scoot that ass down".

Try scooting "that ass" down the table while feet are in stirrups with a damaged spine....

THE HORROR:

"OH MY JESUS", Dr. Laura said as she gazed in utter disbelief at my anal situation. The nurse, wide eyed, put her hands over her mouth, and gasped "OH MY".

"It's big huh?" I asked.

"Big? That's an understatement. Girl what did you do? I have never seen a roid this large in all my life".

"Nothing, it just appeared when I left a shoot".

"Lovey, I do believe you have grown a second vagina", she said as she poked around on some VERY painful areas.

I was wriggling in pain as she explored and said "Second Vagina?".

"Yup, looks exactly like you have grown a second vagina, right below the first."

WTF? are you kidding me? I am a pretty creative thinker, but I COULD NOT grasp what a second vagina formed via hemorrhoid would even look like. I'm in my own head trying to analyze what she just said when i heard......"READY?".

"For wha..OOOOOO..WTFFFFFFFFFF WHAT ARE YOU DOING? OMG OMG OMG STOP STOP STOP!!!! " . I'm screaming, SCREAMING. CRYING. SOBBING.

"I have to numb you baby, the worst is over".

She started squeezing the anal alien ass baby almost immediately after the shot. "WTF!! I CAN FEEL THAT PLEASE STOP!!", I am screaming and crying again.

"The shot takes the edge off Kelly, we have to get the clots out".

The room started to spin, i felt like I was going to throw up, everything got dim as I heard Dr. Laura say, "Stay with me, here comes the first baby".

Baby?

"Oh wow, oh wow look at that!" I heard the nurse say as the first "clot" (aka, baby) was squeezed out. I yelled out "DONE? DONE? ARE WE DONE?".

"No baby, there are more".

"NO NO NO, CAN WE BE DONE!!?" I cried, as Dr. Laura kept squeezing the raw flesh.

And then it happened, head spinning, room getting darker and darker, I threw up, barely able to turn my head just in time as to NOT get any puke on my person, but sending it cascading onto the floor.

"I'm sorry, i'm sorry" I cried .

Dr. Laura stopped what she was doing, walked over and hugged me. I just sobbed and sobbed onto her shoulder. I lifted my head just once to see that my mascara had smudged all over her white doctor's jacket...I did not care. She whispered, "It's okay darlin, it's okay". I felt at that moment, she was my "mommy", there for my release of the "thank God it's over". She whispered again "Now shuga, we aren't done yet, we have a few more".

WTF?????????????????????????????? Yes, I screamed this, not the acronym, the full three word phrase as the needle punctured me again, in yet another, raw skin alien baby area. And once again, the squeezing commenced.

When it was all over, I was uncontrollably shaking, tremors. I could not talk and I think I was hyperventilating. She kept telling me to breathe, breathe, breathe. She and the nurse helped me sit up. Every part of my body complied except for my head which just would not raise vertically with the rest of my body. "Lay her down, lay her down", Dr. Laura said. At that, everything just went black.

Dr. Laura just rubbed my calf as I lay there, still having "trauma tremors". They sat me up again. She began to tell me what medicines I needed to get and "get a sitz bath", etc etc etc, but her voice faded in the distance to the voice in my head that was screaming, "WHAT IN THE FLYING FUCK JUST HAPPENED?".

"Five babies we removed Kelly, I know it was painful, but after today it's all going to get better."

"Well", I whispered, still shaking, "I was kind of looking forward to having two vaginas". (well that's just me, keep up the humor even when i've just been to hell and back with pain, puke and humiliation).

I stood up to get dressed, and the second my feet hit the floor...SPLAT! Blood, everywhere.

WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!! Are you kidding me? My uterus was taken out YEARS ago, and the joy and freedom of NEVER EVER EVER having gushes of blood come from the "private" areas, was just TAKEN from me!

"You are going to bleed, use that sitz bath religiously Kelly", Dr. Laura said as she handed me a maxi pad.

"Um...did you get me a referral to a neuro-surgeon for my back yet?" I whispered.

"Well damn girl, ya want this ya want that, what else do you want from me?" This is just Dr. Laura, took me a while to not feel "insulted" by some of her behavior via words, haha.

"Well yes, I do want something else from you, I could really use a hug".

She smiled and hugged me tight, rocked me back and forth as she patted my back.

I was barely able to walk out of that office. The drive home was pain and tears, yeah trying "sitting" on open wounds and a maxi pad. But through the tears and the pain I am still thinking creatively, because that's how I roll, and I thought ....."Kelly....The All Humiliation Network", great idea for a reality show. Had to chuckle through the tears a bit.